Singing a Grinch-Like Tune

In recently More Festive Missives, I've posted the praises of all The Merry Movies packaged for our Holiday Enjoyment; I've caroled my joy over Holiday Music Makers; I've even lambasted the losers who deigned to Shut Down a Church Christmas Tree Lot.

But today, the Sunday Before Christmas, I'd like to just say one thing. I've. Had. Enough. Enough of those folks who think they're being funny, or cute, or poignant, or All Three, by recording Stupid, Tacky and/or Sappy Holiday Songs.

Yes, I love Alvin and the Chipmunks. Quite Christmasey, in a chessy way, of course. But beyond those cute critters, and a few other novelty tunes, I find nothing funny nor cute about Dead Grandfolks, Toilet Paper Runs to 7-11 or Drunk Daddies, especially around this particular holiday season. And if I hear that song about The Shoes for Mama one more time, I might have to blow holiday chunks all over my dashboard.

A brief explanation. Our local "easy listening" station goes All Christmas, All the Time, some time around Turkey Day. I am happy to pre-select this station on my car radio. I listen to Nat King Cole, Mariah Cary, and even Donna Summer carol the Tidings of the Season on my way to and from work. And I hear a lot of awesome tune-age this time of year. But I have to Draw. The. Line. Somewhere!

Here, then, is Veggie Mom's Top 10 list of The Worst Holiday Tunes Ever. Please Feel Free to add your thoughts on the matter. I'll be back to my Happy Holiday Self tomorrow. I promise!

10. The Christmas Shoes. OK, I'm sorry this little boy's mama is in a bad way. But the family seems as if it can use the money for more pressing matters. Why do you suppose new shoes will help the situation?

9. Snoopy vs. The Red Baron. I adore Snoopy and all of Charles Schulz's Peanuts Gang. But I can't figure out the purpose of this song by The Royal Guardsmen. Is it a One-Hit Wonder? It seems like a blatant nod to commercialism to me.

8. Anything by the Beach Boys. Well, Little Saint Nick is OK, I suppose. Hope I'm not insulting any nostalgia buffs. But they can't sing. Seriously.

7. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Not amusing. At all.

6. Merry Christmas from the Family, recorded by Rosie O'Donnell and The Dixie Chicks. I really liked Rosie's first Christmas CD. And I love the Dixies. This song, though, is just in bad taste. Plus, it really stretches Rosie's already limited musical abilities.

5. Merry Christmas from the Family, recorded by Robert Earl Keene. Think this is the original of this abysmal song. I always picture Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy when I hear it. Not funny, even in a quaint I-Don't-Have-No-Teeth-So-I-Think-I'll-Make-Fun-of-My-Circumstances-Because-Everyone-Else-Will-Anyway kinda way. Pitiful.

4. Santa Baby, recorded by Madonna. Why did she think she could cover something by The Great Eartha Kitt?

3. Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk for Christmas. The Late, Great John Denver should have known better. What a downer.

2. I Want a Hippo for Christmas. What is this song?

1. Your Choice Here. Please. Well, I could only come up with nine nasty songs. Let's get the Seasonal Snarkiness into Full Swing. But just for today, OK?