Showing posts with label Veggie Mom's Guide to Traveler's Etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Veggie Mom's Guide to Traveler's Etiquette. Show all posts

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Dog Made Me Do It!


The Random Complexity Writing Challenge; March; 581 Words!

John Grogan made me cry. My daughter said I wouldn’t. My SIL said I shouldn’t. But I cried anyway, the day that Marley died.

Marley, as most of you well know, is the name of an incorrigible Yellow Lab owned for 13 years by Grogan and his wife, Jenny. Over Christmas Break, while I was casting about for a gift for College Girl, I thought of Marley.

I’d heard the movie was atrocious, but the book way better. I went with the book.

College Girl accepted this stocking-stuffer from “Santa” with a knowing smile. She loves reading about animals, but her Mom has a track record.

I am, after all, the one who urged the child to read Old Yeller when she was in 4th grade. Poor kid cried and cried. Buckets. Blamed me for exacerbating her concerns about the health and safety of every family pet from there on out.

Oopsies! I had remembered loving the book when I was about 10. I’d forgotten that the dog dies in the end. But from what I’d heard, Marley and Me was a much lighter read than that.

So CG took Marley back to school. And, in between classes in Spanish Lit, history and a seminar on the Holocaust, she finished Grogan’s tribute to “The world’s worst dog.”

She said Marley and Me was a “good read.” Said she’d teared up a couple of times, “but nothing like Ol’dYeller. You know how that book ends, right Mom?”

Fast-forward close to four months. When I went to College last week to visit my peeps, I brought along a book. During the course of my visit, I finished my latest literary companion. So I turned to my kid.

“What about Marley?” CG queried.

“I don’t want to cry on the plane,” I retorted.

“Oh, Mom. It’s not that kind of book. You won’t cry. You’ll laugh, mostly.”

As I was preparing to leave toward the end of last week, I put my pocketbook and my reading material on the counter in Aunt Julie’s kitchen.

“You’re not reading Marley, are you?” The dismissive tone in Auntie J.’s voice was unmistakable.

“Well, sure,” I replied. “CG says it’s an easy read, and that I’ll laugh, mostly.”

Julie, who is the Mom to four boys and two dogs in real life, simply shrugged.

“I don’t know. It didn’t do much for me,” said the woman whose taste in literature I most admire. But Julie, much like CG, assured me that I wouldn’t cry.

“It’s not that kind of book,” she said. “It’s an easy read. You’ll laugh, mostly.”

Well, to tell you the truth, I did laugh a lot, much to the chagrin of the woman sitting next to me on the flight home. Hmmmmmmm…probably should add guffawing to the list of no-no’s in Veggie Mom’s Guide to Traveler’s Etiquette!

Didn’t quite finish Marley during the trip. It really is an easy read, though, and I digested most of it en-route. I had a couple of short chapters to go the next day when I decided to spring for a pedicure.

And that, Dear Readers, is the sad, sad ending to our tale. Marley does indeed die in the end. And Veggie Mom did indeed cry. So much so that the nail technician worried that her ministrations had hurt me in some fashion.

“No,” I said, reassuring her that my piggies felt just fine. “It’s this dumb dog. He just died.” So much for happy endings.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Get Out of My Way! Please?

March; Random Compexity Writing Contest; 607 Words!

As everyone knows, I've been on a mission of mercy, visiting my peeps up at Larry U. But I have a bone to pick with my fellow travelers today.

What's up with the rolling luggage? Yes, my suitcase rolls, too. But I don't carry the entire contents of my house when I go on vacation!

Traveling has become quite a contact sport ~ seriously! To make the experience a tad more pleasant, I've developed a few Rules of the Road. Follow them, and you'll be guaranteed smooth sailing!

Veggie Mom's Guide to Traveler's Etiquette

10. Please keep to yourself. Not interested in your suitcase, your child or your nasty Taco Bell To-Go invading my space.

9. Keep the cellphone braying to a minimum. If you have a hearing problem, get help. You're not gonna convince the BF that he should love you more by braying like a jackass into your portable cellular device.

8. If you insist on being in a hurry at the security checkpoint, the FAA has developed alternative procedures for people like you ~ for a fee. Otherwise, please wait with all the rest of us, and politely take your turn. Crowding me from behind won't make me go any faster. In fact, I might even take my time, knowing that I piss you off.

7. Similarly, don't take your shoes off at the security checkpoint any sooner than you need to. The rest of us waiting in this humongous line don't care to know that you have a foot odor problem.

6. If the TSA Dudes bust you for too many liquids or gels, suck it up. Standing there debating the size of the personal items in your plastic, Zip-loc bag just holds the line up and ticks off the TSA Dudes.

5. I did not choose to travel by air in order to sit next to a fat man who's just consumed the biggest burritto of the century. I have no qualms with your size; but your flatulence grosses me out!

4. Learn to sprint in an airport. This is particularly wise in meat markets like O'Hare, Atlanta and LAX, where the airlines will tend to change your departure gate to the one on the other side of the airport at the last minute. But when you sprint, please be aware of those around you. We do not cherish being bowled over and bruised by a business-person who is about to miss his flight.

3. If your carry-on luggage does not fit in the overhead bin, please don't stand there for 10 minutes, pushing, shoving and cajoling this inanimate object. Please accept the flight attendant's offer to check your bag "planeside." All that means is that they'll stow it for you, and you can claim it as soon as you exit the plane.

2. Speaking of flight attendants, don't be rude. Safety is their first job; your comfort is but a secondary concern. It's not the flight attendant's fault that you paid eight hundred gazillion thousand dollars for your flight. The flight attendant is not there to wait on you hand and foot. And, frankly, no one cares if you're upset that the flight doesn't have a meal. Just don't eat. See Number 5 if you have any more questions about this.

1. Adopt a ramrod straight posture while pulling your rolling suitcase. This will keep your suitcase ~ and its contents ~ close to your body and not anywhere near mine. I couldn't tell you how many dozen times during this recent journey I tripped over someone's a) extended arm; b) rolly handle; or c) entire rolly suitcase. In fact, I stopped counting.