Thursday, April 9, 2009

Get Out of My Way! Please?

March; Random Compexity Writing Contest; 607 Words!

As everyone knows, I've been on a mission of mercy, visiting my peeps up at Larry U. But I have a bone to pick with my fellow travelers today.

What's up with the rolling luggage? Yes, my suitcase rolls, too. But I don't carry the entire contents of my house when I go on vacation!

Traveling has become quite a contact sport ~ seriously! To make the experience a tad more pleasant, I've developed a few Rules of the Road. Follow them, and you'll be guaranteed smooth sailing!

Veggie Mom's Guide to Traveler's Etiquette

10. Please keep to yourself. Not interested in your suitcase, your child or your nasty Taco Bell To-Go invading my space.

9. Keep the cellphone braying to a minimum. If you have a hearing problem, get help. You're not gonna convince the BF that he should love you more by braying like a jackass into your portable cellular device.

8. If you insist on being in a hurry at the security checkpoint, the FAA has developed alternative procedures for people like you ~ for a fee. Otherwise, please wait with all the rest of us, and politely take your turn. Crowding me from behind won't make me go any faster. In fact, I might even take my time, knowing that I piss you off.

7. Similarly, don't take your shoes off at the security checkpoint any sooner than you need to. The rest of us waiting in this humongous line don't care to know that you have a foot odor problem.

6. If the TSA Dudes bust you for too many liquids or gels, suck it up. Standing there debating the size of the personal items in your plastic, Zip-loc bag just holds the line up and ticks off the TSA Dudes.

5. I did not choose to travel by air in order to sit next to a fat man who's just consumed the biggest burritto of the century. I have no qualms with your size; but your flatulence grosses me out!

4. Learn to sprint in an airport. This is particularly wise in meat markets like O'Hare, Atlanta and LAX, where the airlines will tend to change your departure gate to the one on the other side of the airport at the last minute. But when you sprint, please be aware of those around you. We do not cherish being bowled over and bruised by a business-person who is about to miss his flight.

3. If your carry-on luggage does not fit in the overhead bin, please don't stand there for 10 minutes, pushing, shoving and cajoling this inanimate object. Please accept the flight attendant's offer to check your bag "planeside." All that means is that they'll stow it for you, and you can claim it as soon as you exit the plane.

2. Speaking of flight attendants, don't be rude. Safety is their first job; your comfort is but a secondary concern. It's not the flight attendant's fault that you paid eight hundred gazillion thousand dollars for your flight. The flight attendant is not there to wait on you hand and foot. And, frankly, no one cares if you're upset that the flight doesn't have a meal. Just don't eat. See Number 5 if you have any more questions about this.

1. Adopt a ramrod straight posture while pulling your rolling suitcase. This will keep your suitcase ~ and its contents ~ close to your body and not anywhere near mine. I couldn't tell you how many dozen times during this recent journey I tripped over someone's a) extended arm; b) rolly handle; or c) entire rolly suitcase. In fact, I stopped counting.

9 comments:

Tracy P. said...

Makes me thankful that we drive everywhere! Although after a couple of weeks in the van together, I'm sure I could come up with a list of my own. ;-)

Susie said...

Traveling is such a nightmare. It's sure to be when you jam that many people into a flying tin can.

Heather said...

LOL! Makes me glad we don't go anywhere!

Lynda said...

Ugh - can't stand carry-on luggage...I think you should HAVE to check it... then we wouldn't have to WAIT.

Ritch in Love said...

Hoorray!!!! Someone who GETS it! You REALLY get it! See what I deal with on a daily basis?
May I just add a number 11?

#11. Folks, if you see a flight attendant in uniform and she isn't a the plane:DON'T TALK TO HER! She isn't getting paid when she is not in the air. Seriously. Once that front door opens our pay stops! We don't know about your connecting flights, we aren't allowed to watch your luggage for you, etc. We are most likely trying to get home ourselves and dont' want to stand there talking to you and "give our company a good name!"
Sigh...
Thanks for letting me vent.

angie said...

If only everyone followed your airport etiquette tips the world would be a better place. :)

Does Anybody Hear Me said...

I absolutely hate it when people hold up the line with their carry on luggage. It drives me nuts!

Michelle said...

Yep. I think they need to have tests of "knows how to fly" and "will take ten times longer than anyone else" so that you can be placed into the appropriate lines.

But this should be required reading as you enter the airport :)

Marrdy said...

Touche! Sometimes I think people must have really been raised by apes. And the sense of entitlement makes me want to do bodily harm...pissed off just doesn't cut it!